She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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