If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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