there's paper in my vomit.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
