i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
