I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think i have herpe
just one?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
