If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
