I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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