Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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