You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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