I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
