I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
