i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
