I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
