I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
