I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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