just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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