Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
