her vagina looked like bernie madoff
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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