There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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