I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
