So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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