either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
