It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
