she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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