she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
