while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
