I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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