How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We're too hungover to prance.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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