I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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