That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
