similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
