Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
