I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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