Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize