I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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