I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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