I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
