I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
