Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
