If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
