I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
