I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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