can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
