She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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