You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
