so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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