There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
