it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize