I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
