Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
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You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
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We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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