if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
