i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
