JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
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The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
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How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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