Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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