I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
