Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
